In Jim Knight’s “Better Conversations” he speaks to six beliefs about conversations which will help any coach or administrator reflect on how they have conversations with their colleagues. Some of the beliefs come across as common sense, while others might hit closer to home and just might get you to reflect on your own conversations. I believe these six beliefs, discussed below, would be a great topic for a Coaches, Administrative Team, or PLC meeting and I would encourage any such group to start the conversations..
Belief #1: See Conversation Partners as Equals
I honestly believe that you can always learn something from anyone during a conversation and that includes conversation with students. Too often, as educators, we fall into the trap of being the “authority” figure or the “Keeper & Distributor of Knowledge” when it comes to our students and as a result we don’t see our students as equals. If we are not careful, this same dilemma can befall us if we leave the classroom to serve as a coach or administrator and have conversations with our fellow teachers. Actions speak louder than words, so check your body language, Do you find yourself interrupting someone who is speaking?, Do you acknowledge what they are saying or do you already have a response in your head ready to share?, Do you send an undercurrent that you are in a hurry and this conversation is an unwanted distraction? These, and many other subtle actions, send the message we don’t see our conversation partners as equals. Our actions will show we see the value in people as much as our words tell it.
Belief #2: Hear What Others Have to Say
This comes down to more than acknowledging what people say after they are done talking. In my mind there is nothing more patronizing than to repeat what a person says, as if you are acknowledging it, and then immediately go into your own rant on what you think. If you are “hearing” what others have to say you are actually keeping your mind open to the possibility of change based on what they have to say, even if it is completely opposite of what you think. Have empathy, “walk a mile in their shoes”, “seek first to understand” are all reminders to the importance of hearing what others have to say.
Belief #3: People should have a Lot of Autonomy
We often define who we are by the choices we make just as we define others by the choices they make, so taking away choices in one way can be dehumanizing. We all should work toward giving more autonomy in our classrooms and schools whenever possible because not giving choice frequently can lead to resentment or even resistance. As a result, whenever possible we should work to promote autonomy at all levels. I have seen this in the classrooms K-12 as teachers who have allow kids to have some control of their own learning have been amazed of the connections kids make. Sometimes we need to just get out of the kids way. This can be extrapolated to administrators getting out of the teachers way in the form of giving them the latitude and autonomy for those teachers aligned with the overall vision of the school.
Belief #4: Don’t Judge Others
I have always believed that it is human nature to categorize things, it’s in our biology, and if we are not cognizant of that fact it is very easy to judge or rank someone above or below us based on their opinions or actions. This belief of “not judging others” reminds us to resist the temptation to categorize others while in the middle of a conversation which will keep the conversation open to new ideas. As you can see these beliefs start to blend together because in order not to judge you should ask questions which is basically working towards seeking first to understand (Belief #2: Hearing What Others Have to Say) and asking questions automatically leads to keeping the conversation going both ways..
Belief #5: Conversations Should be Back and Forth
As an administrator I honestly welcome others questioning or disagreeing with something I have said because it shows that they are engaged in the conversation and could potentially keep me from making a mistake. I get more worried when I say something and someone, who I know does not necessarily agree with me, silently goes about their business because that often means they have made their own determination on the topic or feel as if they are not being heard. I believe this belief also means you have to be comfortable asking questions to understand more versus asking questions to “trap” someone or to “demonstrate” your own thinking is correct. Good questions promote the back and forth nature of better conversations.
Belief #6: Conversations Should Be Life-Giving
Admittedly , this does not happen all the time to me, but I have been part of conversations that have gotten me so energized and excited about the next steps they do feel “life-giving”. I have noticed these conversations often happen with the same people and, in reflecting, those people tend to follow the first five beliefs mentioned above. If I want people to feel the same way after having a conversation with me then it is clear I have to be cognizant of these beliefs.
As I get deeper into Knght’s book, I have in some ways felt better and at some times felt terrible about my conversations with others. However, the one theme that seems to keep coming back is the importance of keeping those conversations going. Incorporating these six beliefs in your approach to how you speak with others just might lead you to nurturing those better conversations.
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